the year of 2012.

my goals for this year.  found it on a peeerty cool app (craftgawker).  and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  maybe that was the wine i was drinking while reading it?  meh.  either way i love it!

i started my year right.  exercising, preparing for practicum/school, getting healthy groceries etc blah blah.  all i really wanna do is cooook all of these delicious recipes i keep stumbling upon.  but apparently i just found out i'm allergic to everything? so no gluten/dairy/eggs/ and CHICKEN (who knows) for a month to see if i get my SENSE OF SMELL BACK. seriously.  sinus headaches, lost my sense of smell, stomach issues ya ya.  we all know the speal.

i literally cannot handle not eating breads and sandwiches and milk.  ohhh my beloved milk.  i resorted to almond milk which suprisingly isn't that bad?  i think it's just good because its super sweeet which makes up for the lack of sweets that i can have.  but still.

so to make up for all of the regular real life food that i can eat.  i've been researching blogs and recipe sites to find stuff that i can make and still enjoy.  i've been on a cooking spree lately making some DELISH dishes over the last few months.  chipotle chicken sliders, pesto shrimp wraps, oven fried chimichangas, boursin stuffed chicken breast to name a few.  aaand today i had a pitly salad (ew barf i know, i'm "that" girl right now) but hey.  i have no choice okay.  it aaactually was really good.  reaaal good.   it consisted of spinach, dried cranberries, walnuts, tomatoes, avocado (mm ob. sessed) with feta and balsamic vinegrette.   also had grapes (equally ob. sessed) and tuna!  laaaaaaaame i know.  but it was really good.  i swear!

for dinnnnnnnner  -  it got a heeeeeck of alot better.  I made lettuce wraps!!  so yummy.  butter lettuce with shrimp in a lime chipolte sauce!  i sauteed onions, added the shrimp and tomatoes.  I used a garlic lime sauce and a spicy chipolte mayo for the marinade.  added some green onions with pepper and myy favorite.  cayenne. mmm.   so flavorful.  so refreshing.  it was reaaaaaaaaaally delish.  definitely encouraging to know that i can still eat some good stuff?  right???  riiiiiiiiiight.

positivity is stayin strong on day 3.  let's wait til the end of the month when i'm a scronny non existent shrivled up cat.  no chicken?  that was my forte.  which brings me to my exciting challenge of cooking with other meats, different types of fish, pork, beef, ham.  i'm exciting.  it definitely will make me jump out of my comfort zone but i'm looking forward to the challenge. 

so let the games begin.
(minus chicken, eggs, gluten, dairy.... wwwhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy :'[[[[ )

yeaaah... about that cleanse.

I actually survived for 9 days.  I did it!  I was more proud of myself for sticking to something for once than actually losing the weight.  I didn't feel any different on day 3/4.  I weighed myself for the first time on day 4 in the morning and I had lost 6 lbs! It was insane.  Definitely encouraging though.  Day 6/7 were tough.  Started feeling a tad dizzy but gross and huuuuuuungary.  So.  Empty.  Butttt I toughed it out. 

I had a birthday dinner on Friday so I made veggie soup and drank orange juice on Thursday night/Friday to "prep the stomach" for real food...but let's be honest.  It was just to put something in my stomach for ALCOHOL.  Gaaaaaah how I have missed you.

After the thanksgiving weekend and 3 days of endulging I gained 3 lbs.  Only normal... need. sweets. carbs. deliciousness. 

Day 1...

So I woke up feeling well rested after my great sleep.  I gathered my stuff for class, almost going to the fridge to grab my lunch but nope! Not necessary.  So I measured out 3-4 drinks worth and put it in a to go container.  Off to school I go....

First class, an hour in I started to get hungry as I normally would.  So I started on my first "glass".  The taste wasn't suprisingly bad at all!  I put too much cayenne pepper and and I had read the night before that it's good to add the pepper at the time you will drink it because it apparently gets hotter over time?  Anyways, it actually filled me up and I no longer felt hungry! 

Next stop, lunch time.  It was definitely tough seeing everyone get out their lunches, standing in line for the oh so delicious food choices in the Sub.  I have been making really good food lately so lunch was always something to look forward to but it's okay.  First rough patch right?  I had a herbal tea instead.  Felt proud, I pushed through the first of many many obstacles along the next week and a half.

2:15.  Hungry again.  It felt different than a typical hunger pain though.  I just felt empty.  Sounds ridiculous because is that not obvious? But it was wierd.  I really think alot of this is psychological.  Anyways, I poured another one of my daily concoctions.  Empty-ness gone.

Home at 4:30.  After school snack - rest in peace.  Now this was tough.  You never realize how much eating is a time occupant, and activity.  It sucked.  So I poured another drink.  Annoying.

7:30 rolled around and I was getting real hungry.  My stomach was grumbling like a mad woman.  Ha.  That I am.  The smells from my neighbours dinner has never smelt so good.  You really begin to appreciate the little things in life that we take or granted.  Simple pleasures in life.  Maybe I will get more out of this nonsense than the shallow ignorant benefits.  I definitely think I'll look at alot of things that are a part of everyday life in a much better light.  And this is only day 1!  Wooo some positive!   Anyways, hunger didn't go away with the rise in my enthusiasm for a better beneficial healthier attitude.  So I poured another one.  Felt good!  Hunger gone.

Bedtime was at 10:30 so time for the lovely part.  Laxative tea.  Yum...... only 9 more days to go right?

NINE. MORE. DAYS.

oh lordy... first time I felt a bit discouraged.  9 days is a longggg time. 


After a pep talk from my friend on the same crazy train.  I feel encouraged.  I can do this.  I WILL do this.


Goodnight!  Tomorrow's a new day :)

The start...

As an introduction to this madness, a friend of mine started this insanity a day ago after we had talked about it for the past week.  Everytime I hear people say they know someone who did this "master cleanse" it's like ummm pretty sure that's called anorexia, not a cleanse despite all of the "health benefits" listed on the oh so many google search results.  Anyways, she acknoledged the whole crash diet aspect of it from the get go as she's trying to slim down for her wedding.  Fair enough.   Me?  No wedding.  Just curiosity, some extra pounds from the binge of a summer I had, and maybe a little bit of craziness?  Regardless, judgements aside, I am doing this.  It's a challenge and I'm up for it.  Apparently you feel all light and fluffy and clear-minded afterwards so let's hope there are some of those benefits alongside the always inspirational 10 lbs I am potentially going to lose.  (Hopefully)  So here goes nothing....

so as to put positive intentions into the universe...

I am getting a job tomorrow. Yes.

Will I ever know..

Why do we make ourselves feel less than what we should feel? Why do we create bigger problems or perhaps create a problem where a problem doesn't even exist? Are we that unhappy in our lives that we have the ability to create something out of nothing? Or maybe there is something wrong but we don't let ourselves see the issue? Friends, family, lovers, loved ones. It makes me wonder who "we" are. Who am I?

Who am I ...

will I ever know?

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maybe.

why is it that whenever your in a relationship you pick apart every little thing that makes you wish you were   s i n g l e.  and when your single, you'd do anything for those annoyances to come back. 

what is it about us that make us so indecisive, so far from satisfaction that we can't even see the last piece of our puzzle - right in front of us?


maybe society today has created a world of impossible, complete, whole hearted satisfaction.  maybe it's just acceptable - maybe - to always want more. maybe.  what if we are so far from the ability to accept the good and we only see the bad; therefore we don't allow ourselves to see the truth.  the happiness.  the satisfaction.

maybe.
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